Tuesday, September 30, 2014

@ College: Stopping Unwanted Sex

California has signed into law the sexual consent thingy that is so unclear you wonder how it is a law.

Perhaps students should be filmed at all times. This might curb insane sexual behavior.

I know when my mother-in-law is in town, I drink less and behave more gentlemanly. Someone or something overseeing the unruly is not so bad.

Fraternities are terrifying places. My college wasn't even that much of a frat school, but if there was a frat party on a Saturday night, I did my absolute best not to go. The beer and aggression were out of control. Why would any woman on earth ever want to step into one of those places? So their shoes could get all sticky with beer?

I know, I know, it sounds like I am blaming the victims.

I am not.  Campus sexual assault by idiotic drunk guys (and gals) can just as easily happen in the corner of a calm little dormitory.

But the idea of someone 19 years old stopping before each action with the questions:

Can I kiss you now?

Can I touch this now?

Can I enter that now?

Can I just lightly rub it against your anus until my roommate comes back?

I mean, I just don't know how this is really going to work.

And then when there are court cases...and some girl or guy says, "Yeah, she or he said yes by the yessy look in their eye," and some lawyer says, "But did he or she say Yes? I mean, a real yes?" And the defendant says, "Well, from what I know about how people behave in our culture, the look in her/his eyes said yes..."

And then it goes on and on.

I have never been sexually assaulted--that I can remember--but really, let's do take care of this my way because it is time to be very practical:

1) If you are a girl and there is a frat party, don't go. Under any circumstance. Do something else, if for no other reason than to protect your liver and your hearing.

2) If some guy or girl takes you back to his or her room, alone, and it is Saturday and s(he) is carrying a bottle of booze, leave the door open at all times, with the lights on, bright.

3) If the state of California wants to protect you, ask them to install a me-cam on your head connected to a video feed at the police station.

4) Wear armor. Or a garlic necklace.

5) Trust no one. Even if that seems severe right now, it will help you out in the business world once you graduate.


Friends, it's a disastrous planet full of crazy people who want to get into your pants. Especially while being young. We all want you safe. God knows, you've already had enough trauma in your life. But this consent thing is going to be weird to police.

But maybe I'm an out of touch old cow and this is a step that needs to be taken. Maybe if it is hanging over everyone's head, at least there will be greater awareness.

I am waiting for the wise cracking guy who wears that first T-shirt that reads, "I consent to every step. Just ask me."

Back in my day, we fucked. But who knows what the hell went down that I did not hear about. Horrible horrible things may have happened. And that has to stop. Those horrible things. Now.

Good luck, California. Keep records. Tell us all about it.


Monday, September 29, 2014

Mr. Fix It

A good friend of mine recently said, "You can't fix things. There's nothing you can do."

I understand his hands-off approach to the social scene of the planet, man.

But let's go a little further and admit...we have tried to fix lots of things and we have fixed them. Other things, we have not.

Since we have and can fix lots of things, it is time to take on the biggest problem we have.  We need to fix the birth rate.  Why?  Because it would be so great to have more tuna in the sea and less carbon in the sky, more animals all over the place, more stable weather conditions. Less people in the way.

And though I am sort of a pacifist, I'm really not.

My suggestion is this. (And you can delete me from your memory banks as if I never existed.):

We need to instill a population collapse.

Simple.

I can't talk about sterilization, because, really, who can?

I can't talk about genital mutilation, because, you know, that wouldn't be nice.

I can't talk about any of the obvious things you would need to do to bring this about because ethically, most of the immediate methods have been agreed upon by almost everyone to be reprehensible.

So what do we do?

I don't know.

But if we just cut the population on earth in half, can you imagine how much nicer this place would be?

Collapse it.

Somehow.

Maybe my friend is right. It probably can't be fixed.   Fuck.

I can't stand all these people.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Blank

Blank.

Mugwort.

Blank.

Problematic Climate Change Deniers.

Blank.

Like the slaves are doing fine.

Blank.

Gimme it.

Blank.

Pussy. Doing it all for pussy.

Blank.

Girls. Girls. They don't get the fair shake.

Blank.

It ends.

Blank.

You're not black. Not yet.

Blank.

You will be.

Blank.

Kill everyone. No more wars.

Blank.

There's always a screen on.