First Rule of Medicine: Do No Harm

Second Rule: Get the Kids Involved


It has become nastily noticeable after any medical procedure that the first mailing of correspondence to most health insurance companies goes immediately into the shredder. This saves the office the trouble of having to reimburse you for anything. Endless phone calls ensue. Upon repeated attempts, one may receive satisfaction but only in the form of cursing at the functionary on the other end of the line. And once finished with slamming and crying, one is forced, for fear of onslaughts of endless billings, to write a check and send it to the demons who have set up our wretched healthcare system. This system, run by thugs and thieves, reminds one of small town governments operating in Sicily during the nineteenth century. However, the American Medical Dons who collect our protection money are far richer than any high ranking citizen of Palermo.

It has also become nastily noticeable that the children in public schools in most cities are not receiving an education. Many students are merely warehoused, forced to watch television in the classroom so the teacher can have a quiet nervous breakdown instead of having to discipline the kinder, never mind teaching Biology or fighting with the Creationists. Though conservatives smugly blame the exhausted, working poor parents and the scantily funded schools for why José-can’t-read-so-he-has-to-join-a-gang, clearly, the ulterior goal of the wealthy is to insure an ignorant underclass they can eventually throw into jails if for only the sheer joy of watching others suffer while they race their Johnny to Harvard-Westlake in their S.U.V.

This vast chasm between the educated wealthy and the uneducated gang members must be closed for the obvious reason that nature cannot maintain such a high voltage for long without a huge jolt of paralyzing electricity. And since all people, the rich and the poor, are being taken to the cleaners by our middleman-heavy medical establishment, it becomes sparklingly clear even to a victim of great cataracts (that aren’t covered) that the Mafioso behavior of insurance companies should be immediately taken over by the gangs of inner cities; so that they may run more efficiently, bring hope for employment to today’s uneducated youths and streamline the whole operation so all Americans can receive proper healthcare in a timely manner with dignity and affordability. This change of personnel is the clear choice for a healthier, less frustrated America.

The ten obvious advantages to this approach:

1) The current system, which does not work, will be dismantled. Gang members will take the place of the organized crime insurance cartel. The transition will hardly be noticed.
2) The Ex-insurance workers will be euthanized and will have to pay for it themselves.
3) Since gangs of most inner cities are better organized than the offices of medical insurance companies of soon-to-be-yore, the common man will spend much less time haggling.
4) Gang members answer their phones on the first ring and have no phone menus. This creates good will toward all mankind.
5) Gangs, such as the Bloods and Crips, will be guaranteed income, so they will probably not be that into turf wars.
6) These Bloods and Crips will be able to deal in legal drugs.
7) Public schools will only have to teach rudimentary math and how to read fee schedules.
8) The entrenched class system will continue to benefit the wealthy and the wealthy can rest easy at night knowing they are helping the disadvantaged by a guarantee of this very lucrative medical business.
9) Most importantly, the disadvantaged youth of today who suffer from the natural alienation and anger that comes from the prospect of a future without opportunity can change their mad and nasty attitudes knowing they are inheriting a business that will never go away. This will diminish their need for displays of power and automatic weapons.
10) Movies that glamorize the gun and drug culture that epitomize the desperation and fear of the inner city will stop being made and will be replaced by movies that glamorize very healthy people who aren’t afraid to go to the doctor for fear of paperwork.


There will be no more paperwork. And if anyone has any complaints about it, go to that guy in the school parking lot who just hangs out and collects money all day.