What I Learned at the Thursday Night Holiday Show and Chrismas Party

Tonight, I was in the Holiday Show Choir at Comedy Central’s Sit ‘N Spin. It was a light hearted event with send-ups of Christmas songs, a short red-headed guy in an elf suit, original scripted pieces about the holidays, a Kwanza joint and the Chanukah Blues. This well attended event was followed by a raucous party, one I insisted I was only going to stop by for an hour. We got home close to 2AM. It was a master class in excess. This is what I learned tonight.

1. The reason it’s called medical marijuana is because after you smoke it, you need the attention of a physician.

2. Maggie Rowe is an excellent writer, and seriously leggy.

3. I am not the only Biology major from Tufts University who ended up in show business. Eric Schwartz, also performing tonight, went this route, too.

4. At any live event with comedians, Richard Belzer might be found sitting with his dog in the front row of the audience. The dog, for the most part, may behave like a psychiatric ordained comfort dog. But it will spend some time, on its leash, sniffing around the front of the stage. It also might bark once at the musicians. Everyone knows children and animals remove the focus from adults. I think?

5. Hollywood writers and musicians will get fucking tanked on a Thursday night after they do a show a couple of weeks before Christmas if given enough booze, weed and cookies. Especially if there is a Writer’s Strike. No amount of residuals in the mail, stocks, soaring real estate equity or trust funds will ease their anxiety. It takes mind altering substances and a rock band in the living room.

6. Even though Bill Maher and I have spent time together, he doesn’t necessarily want to speak to me. His use of a marijuana bud as mistletoe is inspired. It cannot be easy to be famous at a party. If you are having a conversation with someone and a gay, middle aged man approaches the conversation to join in, you might just have to turn away.

7. If women cheat, they want to have an affair. Men, they just want to get blow-own.

8. My literary “agent” from the big fancy agency I am “with?” will show up at almost every party I go to this time of year and he will repeat this sentence at each one, “I will definitely call you tomorrow to give you notes on your The Closer spec.” But you know he never will. So you think about calling Endeavor.

9. American Spirit cigarettes are just as nauseating as Marlboro Lights.

10. If you have been taking Airborne for two days to stave off that nasty cold you felt coming on, you will eventually have to speed home to the bathroom because its active ingredient, Zinc, like chemo, will kill the bad bugs and the epithelial walls of your colon with equal fervor.