Wednesday, September 17, 2014


Did anyone else besides me NOT get a MacArthur Award today?, AKA, The Genius Grant?

So weird.

I've figured out so many things and I have been trying to share these triumphs with all of mankind, but the MacArthurs have turned a blind eye to these varied accomplishments that as a whole body of work, could certainly count as genius worthy:

1. Always take Pepto Bismol tablets while taking Malaria pills.

2. Do not take off your clothes and jump in the stream with your old fat agent when you are twenty-four. He's not asking you to swim naked so you can talk about your future movie career. He just likes young guys. But then again...can you blame him?

3. Always sew on a button within twenty-four hours of its loosening. Otherwise, you're just going to lose the button.

4. Stay away from people who tell you what's wrong with you even if they are right.

5. You can defrost frozen meat on a cookie sheet...or anything metal...very quickly. Metal is known for its conductive properties. You want to maximize the amount of meat surface touching the metal. For further oomf, place that cookie sheet on top of the stove. More metal, more conducting. Watch those pork chops melt in less than an hour.

6. Everything you have to do today is not as important as sitting at the piano and bellowing out pop tunes. Fuck it. You're not a unique genius. Why not use that to your advantage?

7. Spend way less than you make. And then travel a lot. Take pictures. Post them. Tell other people to travel. Try to invent a plane that uses no fossil fuels. Or walk.

8. Be kind to absolutely everyone. If people try to destroy you in the process...just walk away from those people.  This is fun. Blocking someone on Facebook is completely necessary sometimes. People are your salvation and your treachery. Pay attention.

9. Love is fickle. There is no such thing as No Love. Or All Love. There is just love that comes and goes. Success and health and beauty and sandwiches behave exactly like this, too. Stop thinking there is an absolute perfect form. You can handle it.

10. Every single bit of dogma is complete bullshit created by anxious monkey minds. Since you are living in complete chaos...I suggest you buy an electronic labeling device and start filing everything. Closest to you: What you are working on. In the cabinet nearby: The stuff you need and the stuff you will get to and the reference things  you refer to. In the garage: Stuff you finished or other things you want to keep for the long haul.  File management, both digitally and physically... is the road to out sized success. Just look at me.


11. Bleach your sponges.

That's it. That's my genius. Worth 650000 bucks? Sure! Why Not?!

There's time for this to swing back at me.

I am not invisible. I am not invisible. I am not invisible. I...use twisty ties to keep the speaker wires off my floors.

Enjoy your creative selves.

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