Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Divide and Slide: Boy Scouts Asunder

I say, let the homophobes who feel the need to leave, leave.

They can start their own National Scouting troupes. Call them what they will. Straight Arrow Scouts, Scouts for a Hateful Jesus, We Hate Boys Who Sing Scouts.

Since the Boy Scouts of America will no longer uphold discrimination, it appears the only way to keep the discrimination pure is to form a divided-but-equal hold on the outdoorsy souls of boys and young men. Go for it. Divide. Like the Anglican Church. Set up HQ in Africa.

And what a better time for such a move than in 2013? Isn’t this the era when it makes perfect sense to make sure the core principle that disallows boys and young men who are not heterosexual to hike and canoe and make lanyard key chains? Take a stand. Do it.

The irony about these God-fearing bigoted people is they think everything is about sex. Hell, what if some very effeminate kid wants to be in the scouts because it gives him a great sense of feeling included and it is not even that much about ejaculate? What if that kid (or counselor) loves the smell of campfire smoked jeans just as much as everyone else? What if a kid DOES get aroused by another kid—which happens to most boys, naturally, sometime between Webelo and Eagle Scout—and it ends up “being consummated?” Well, wouldn’t a simpler rule be, “Hey, no fucking in the tents!” 

And what the hell is a man and/or sexual orientation these days, anyway, when all you see on shopping bags are the gorgeous bare tits of hot young guys that advertisers know turn everyone on?  (And why, at this point, is it at all illegal to show female breasts? Bras on hot young women are the burkas of the last century. Rip off those bras, girls, and let’s see those yummy mounds on every billboard from Bangor to Death Valley.)

This ancient scream of using religion as an excuse for discrimination, the hysteria surrounding the changing idea of male identity, the moronic stance that sexuality can be controlled by contempt and violent rejection, is enough to make me want to help a little old lady cross a street, in earnest.

Boy Scouts---we kind of know you caved under financial pressure. Let’s face it—so many of your former members are queer, gay, bent and bonny—and as we all know, any gay child who succeeds through the boy scouts grows up to become extremely wealthy. You couldn’t turn your back on those greenbacks. I applaud your passive-aggressive half measure. Pull away and let the bigots twist and die, like slugs under a salt pile. Let those shell-less mollusks slither to their graves, leaving a trail of hate-slime as they whither into 2014. (I say with love.)

But onto operational problem solving:

Frankly, my memory of scout behavior is one of chaste, incredibly dorky asexual propriety. All appearances will be maintained if everyone just quietly keeps that up. (But let’s face it---that’s kind of hot, too.)

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