Dieting: Notes to Myself 1995-2005

Though arriving in Las Vegas with nothing but six hundred dollars in cash, a carton of Marlboro Lights and three bags of Sour Patch kids is usually a certain recipe for success in the game of weight loss, you really should plan for a different strategy in the future. Yes, you lost eight pounds in two days. But you gained it all back in four.


Though joining in with your pals for the “colon cleanse” was a great mask for a diet and it seemed like a pretty cleaver idea, remember, it was pretty messy and surreal. You only lasted three out of the seven days, you dyed your hair orange and you crapped on the wall. If the ass was supposed to drink coffee, the good Lord would have given it the ability to swallow. You lost twelve pounds in three days. But you gained it all back in five.


Dr. Atkins was a madman. You ate nothing but butter and bacon for twelve days and you started hallucinating about the wheat fields of Kansas. The brain needs carbs. Without them, you can’t think. Atkins is a chemistry experiment parlor trick dreamed up by an evil doctor. Plus, you’re cranky enough WITH muffins. You lost fifteen pounds in two weeks but you gained back ten in one.


Not smoking pot for a few weeks and walking five miles every few days is a great way to lose some weight. And you look healthier and you get to see the neighbors. However, replacing the weed with Nyquil to sleep and non-FDA regulated natural herbal food to wake is certain to end in stroke. Your body was a vat of chemicals. The herbal food is just Chinese speed. And Nyquil is not a food group. Stop the Judy Garland act. You lost five pounds in three weeks. All five were back in four days.


If French women don’t get fat, then I think the obvious thing to do is to get a sex change operation and move to France.







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