Monday, March 07, 2005

Viagra--The Seven Suggestions

It eventually happens. Your first time with Viagra. You know it’s not a war out there, on this big blue sexy earth. This little pill, however, has a different opinion. You should be prepared. I will try to prepare you. A friend of mine gave me one free blue pill of Viagra a few weeks ago. I waited for the right night. We had a block of free time here at the manse. We closed the curtains. I was ready to lose my Viagra virginity. I took the pill.

The full personal details will not be disclosed since this type of drug ends in a very private act and I do want to protect the innocent and my personal reputation. However, upon completion of the act, I decided I would share with the world my seven suggestions, helpful hints if you will, upon your entrance into the aggressive world of Viagra. This journey you try to take lovingly, pushing your mate along with you, can best be traveled while considering the following suggestions. There is often war before peace. For the war, I give you

The Seven Suggestions:

1. Grease that thing. It becomes a battering ram. Your usual filling capacity may have seemed to have doubled. You do your partner a favor by making sure it's an easy slam. No one wants to be dry battered.

2. The battering ram can last for a few hours. This is a very long time for your partner on the receiving end. To assuage any possible boredom, why not offer your partner a good book to read? Perhaps Helen of Troy or Sounder. Or, if you are not the jealous type, offer to pay someone to give your partner a soothing foot massage while you are busy battering.

3. Obviously warring men invented this drug. After your three or four hour session of battering is over, write to Pfizer and thank them. You can feel the collective consciousness of many men over fifty who got together to invent this little blue pill. You can feel it right where it counts. Be thankful men are so self involved and so self serving. This drug should be called, “You ain’t goin’ nowhere, bitch.” Male supremacy in a little blue pill. Notice, it’s blue?

4. No need to ask things like, “You like getting fucked like that, whore?” Frankly, your partner will be so rattled while getting battered, he/she won’t be able to hear you.

5. Let your partner know, after they recover, that this was just a one-time deal. You only planned on trying the little blue pill out as a novelty. Letting your partner know this will soften any future disappointments in the bed area. Remind your partner how the two of you often did just fine with the old fashioned up, up, really up for a bit and then down in a jiffy that you were both so used to. It was so sweet and human. If your partner is saddened by this and insists on the ways of the agressive blue pill, proceed to number six.

6. Due to the side effects endured while indulging in Pfizer's mad creation, which can include red flushed skin, puffy cheeks, heart attack and a head that feels more filled with blood then if you’d been hanging upside down on the monkey bars for three hours, you may not want to indulge in the little blue pill ever again. However, if your partner is totally smitten with your taking the drug, the next time you are in the loving way, go about your business like you normally would except toward the end, after you’ve gotten what you needed in the sex act, take the following action. In order to pass yourself off as if you’re on the blue pill again, you should take out the flash light you have secretly hidden under the bed and let it substitute for the battering ram. Your partner will not notice the difference. But remember the suggestion from rule number one. Grease it.

7. Note well: Oprah Winfrey’s ABC television movie, Their Eyes Were Watching God, is not appropriate après entertainment for your first time on Viagra. Instead, I would suggest you rent Pee Wee’s Big Adventure or the film version of Sounder.


Remember, when you are all done and the monster battering ram still won’t go away, you might as well put it to good use. Why waste twelve bucks worth of drugs, or in my case, someone else's twelve bucks worth of drugs? Use your ingenuity. Home ideas are, conveniently, plentiful. You could give that post some other nonsexual, non-invasive purpose. For instance, why not employ it as a temporary plant stand? Or a friendly coat rack? Or, if you want to cross an old chore off your list, perhaps you should enlist the ramrod to pound the nails back into the floorboards that are sticking up in the hallway?

Once you are no longer a Viagra virgin and your blood pressure has returned to normal, you may have a few things to add to this list. But do be kind to your partner and all future partners with all suggestions and please be discreet about yourself in all reporting. We all share the responsibility to play with our war toys in a gentlemanly manner. Which leads me to offer you the three simple rules of etiquette the cultured and polite Grandpappy Pfizer would have wanted you to follow: Watch where you point that thing. Always ask to be invited. And remember to always grease it.


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1 comment:

Mr. H.K. said...

Fun post!