Addictive Pattern: Expunging the Five Excuses

Although I have only ever been officially addicted to one substance, tobacco, I do know that one can get into bad patterns. And what fueled these patterns? I think I had some excuses that I used to let the party last a little too long. Since around 9/11, I found myself hanging around with a few big bags of weed. Just a few. But they were big bags. And each new bag would show up around the house just as the last bag was finished. And cases of cheap wine from Trader Joe's kept magically appearing in the garage to wet my cotton mouth whistle. At $1.99/bottle, how could I afford NOT to drink?

Luckily, I did not become a total pothead or a stumblebum drunk, however, let's not pretend I have a lot of self control. If there is a fresh loaf of banana bread in the kitchen, I'll go to the kitchen and eat those baked bananas as quickly possible. I don't know why. The reason is probably not that different from my need to hook up with as many men as possible in my twenties (okay, and my thirties, too). I'm just a voracious sort. But fortunately for me, I'm also lazy. When the things I find so tasty aren't anywhere around, I actually have no problem with the loss of the indulgence. Two other traits have saved me, neither of which I am proud but happy, just the same, to own the qualities. They are vanity and a not so slight case of hypochondria.

And did I mention I was lazy? So, once the weed was all smoked up recently, I was done. And now, there is none in the house. And I find that I am better off for it. I also find, that though I was lucky to not become some sort of addict, I did come to accept the truth that I am a tidge gluttonous.

I am ultimately grateful that my sober mind has pretty much kept me a sober person. However, I have been known to sloppily overindulge and for this I have compiled the five excuses I need to expunge in order to keep me from living a life that is not to my greatest advantage.

1) Even if a single-minded, fairy tale believing idiot is elected president, you can't just sit on the couch drinking Charles Shaw and sucking on the glass pot pipe as he takes the country down. Sure, he's awful, but lung cancer and a failed liver are even awfuler. Plus, you're prettier when you're healthy.

2) Even when those unhappy types commandeered a few planes and terrorized us and destroyed the Twin Towers that you watched being built as a child, you can't just sit on the couch drinking Charles Shaw and sucking on the glass pot pipe while watching it all over and over again on Tivo. Sure, death and destruction in your home town is scary, but lung cancer and a failed liver are even scarier. Plus, you're prettier when you're healthy.

3) Even though you wanted to leave Los Angeles during the past two years because your husband was a stress case, while you were mostly unemployed and the alienation of living with a man who you are only legally married to in one county in Oregon was such a fucking drag, you can't just sit on the couch drinking Charles Shaw and sucking on the glass pot pipe. Stale, crappy relationships are totally beat, but lung cancer and a failed liver are even beater. Plus, you're prettier when you're healthy.

4) Even though you had to get sinus surgery last year because the air in this city is so polluted from the LA Harbor and all the SUV's that your allergies kicked into constant hell from all the irritation, you can't just sit on the couch drinking Charles Shaw and sucking on the glass pot pipe. Sure, the drugs kill the pain and even open up your head, but the overall effect is deleterious. Wretched sinuses totally suck, but lung cancer and a failed liver suck way more. Plus, you're prettier when you're healthy.

5) Even though you woke up this year to discover that your balls were aching because you got so old that they are now hanging down below your knees and you had to wear tightie whities again to hold them up, you can't just sit on the couch drinking Charles Shaw and sucking on the glass pot pipe while you wine about the pain. Sure, old man balls are ugly, but lung cancer and a failed liver are even uglier. Plus, you're prettier when you're healthy.

Now that these excuses are written down and set out to cybersea, I will continue with this interesting life, rarely doing drugs, and I will just watch everything naturally go to shit without anything to soften the blows of this decay of country and body. Plus, even though entropy is the future, I'm prettier when I'm healthy.