Being Human is a Bloody Mess

In case the world was wondering, I actually am human. Here is the blood test from my physical to prove it.

A few things to note:

1) Even though a person can have very low, healthy levels of cholesterol, he can still be kind of fat.

2) Bilirubin is not a television character.

3) The first person to count platelets must have had very good eyes.

4) Urine Leukocyte Esterase sounds like something one is very glad to have listed as negative.

5) Those who have been resistant to having sex with me, note well that I have neither Syphilis, nor Gonorrhea, nor Chlamydia. However, a warning for those who might try: I am often covered with Chlam Sauce.