Congress Steps In Again to Save Terri Schiavo

Congress, prompted by President George Bush, has passed a law today that states Terri's Schiavo's feeding tube must be reinserted. This new law, affectionately known as the resurrection statute, goes into effect immediately.

Outraged citizens in the state of Florida demanded why this new federal law was passed. The president said today, "Experts have checked the body of Terri Schiavo and have found that her hair and her nails are still growing. She is very much alive. In cases of ambiguity, we must choose life."

When asked for the names of these experts, the president said, "You know, the experts we always call upon."

When pushed by reporters more pointedly, the president grew ornery and grimaced, "A devout hairdresser from Houston named Chrissy."

When pressed for the name of the expert on the nails, the president could only reply, "A Korean woman who works in St. Louis. I wish I could pronounce her name in gratitude."

In a related story, a man from Dothan, Alabama, who only goes by the name of Ken, has declared he is going to kill Michael Schiavo in retribution for killing Terri. Ken has been kept alive for years by a feeding tube since he dove too sharply into a pool at his brother's divorce party and Ken is completely paralyzed from head to foot. When asked how he intends to kill Michael Schiavo, Ken replied, "I'll pray to the Lord Jesus Christ every single day for his death and I know Jesus will pull his love away from Michael and this will starve his soul to death and he will die. It will be like he's having his spiritual feeding tube removed. I did it to my neighbor's dog who barked every night and kept me awake. It only took me three days. That's ten days less than it took Michael to kill Terri."

Michael Schiavo will attempt to cremate Terri Schiavo, dead for fifteen years, before the law can take effect. The National Coalition of Beauty-Salons-for-a Culture-of-Life will block his attempts so the feeding tube can be reinserted before her pie hole is burned to a crisp. The spokeswoman for BSCL, Susan Goody, speaks for the whole organization and in a press release states, "Hair and Nails are life. They pulse with God's love. How can you extinguish God? Plus, I work with hair and nails. And I just know. They are alive!"

In the meantime, Terri has had a brain scan and although brain experts did find the brain to be dead, they were also able to glean her final primitive thought before she perished. It was, "Thanks for pulling out the tube. Look how much skinnier my corpse is!"


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