Tuesday, March 31, 2009

My Decreasing Readership

I receive the report each week about my blog readership. It’s tanking downward.

When did I lose my appeal?

Was it all that garlic I ate at the Indian place?

Or maybe I haven’t been digging deep enough…not enough truth coming out.

I know what it is. It’s the recession. People don’t have the time to read my blog---too many pencils and apples to sell.

No more frivolity. Not me. I’m only going to write about the important stuff.


When my mother-in-law sent that bottle of pine tar (for itching) did she not realize that her son would put it on his spider bites and then smell like a janitor’s closet?

When will I ever settle down and get a new dog?

The nature of butter on the thighs.

Gas made from grass.

Princes of Lichtenstein and their boring afternoons.


The loss of innocence, the rise of Socialism.

The best place for a teeth cleaning.

Race politics? What are they? Really—

Is England a country or a county?

Where were you when Karl Rove was put in jail?

Why hospice when you have an oven?

Fear and Stupidity: A truthful reflection of the self.

Sex after forty and before fifty.

Little killings and deaths.

Do people really mean it?

How you were once young and beautiful and now you are old and ugly?

The Rapture as a pop element.

Scoring at bowling could be what you are best equipped to handle?

If green is really the color, then why so much complaining?

Goat capture.

The things you hated that you still hate that never go away.

Toilet maintenance.

If you could, would you ever date a child?

The littlest reasons to love your past.

How is it that you never made a good stack of pancakes?

Will all the people who have ever bought a field book of amphibians ever get together?

Where does your sense of taste land after a lot of salt?


Similar ideas across long periods of time.


Dan said...

You need a big griddle with even heat. There is no way around it.

Kelly said...

People, largely, do not know what they mean.

John B said...

Where was I when Karl Rove was taken to jail? It's funny, that's one of those moments you never forget...

Rebecca Waring said...

I love your blog and read it religiously but I guess blogging is just so 2007. Everyone is tweetering.

Anonymous said...

Mother-in-law here.
Smell? Did it smell? All I know is that in 36 hours, it Completely cured a painful yellow jacket sting that usually leaves a near-incapacitating swelling lasting a week. It does the same for burns.

Anonymous said...

Pine tar on a lump of sugar is a great old cure all.

Todd HellsKitchen said...

Mention Scientology in a post and your readership will go up.... LOL