Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Are You Willing to Die for Your Country?

An Alternate Fix to the Social Security Problem

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Congress passed the controversial Inuit Bill into law today that allows aged Americans to choose between a strong economy and their own life. Also referred to as the Liebesraum Bill by its detractors, it will affect every American family who possesses a Granny, Gramps, Nona, Pappi or Nanna. At age 70, every non-working American can now hand their Social Security benefit back to the government, with fifty percent of the claim returning to the federal coffers and the other fifty to be given to the familial survivors of the new Pro-Choice-for-the-Elderly. This bill was designed to release the burden on healthy, young, hard-working patriots and to normalize the conditions erroneously put in place by President Roosevelt. American citizens have grown sick and tired of having to pay for these lazy coots and the groundswell of support to rush this bill into law has had every tongue that ever tasted an apple pie eagerly licking its chops for the soon-to-be released cakes of cash.

What do the senior citizens of America get in return for their submitting? A nice floating iceberg. Whereas many Democrats, school teachers and left leaning psychiatrists have banded together in an effort to stop this bill in its nascent “evil intent,” the numbers did not compare with those of the captains of industry and their allies, the Republican Party and overworked nurses. Extreme right-wing Christians are behind the crusade to end the lives of the aged, especially for non-Christians, old queens, smokers and anti-war activists.
State senators from Texas were asked today if they thought this violated human rights policies so hard won during the last century. No comment was given. One young Republican spotted at the Dallas-Fort Worth airport, however, proudly donned a T-shirt that spoke volumes from the heartland of the republic, “If the Democrats can kill the unborn, we, the real people, can kill the almost dead.”

Besides the government expecting a large gain in capital from the Pro-Choice-for-the-Elderly, there is the obvious added bonus to related businesses to meet the call of the burgeoning iceberg industry. In anticipation of this law, Bechtburton positioned itself to be awarded a ten billion dollar contract for the use of a fleet of new machines that can drill into glaciers for the maximum release of icebergs. The machine, affectionately named “Bore to Death” by the president of the company, has also been rumored to have spying capabilities, to be able to test ground densities for crude oil and can level land for golf courses. In a testy economy, it is essential for Bechtburton to multi-purpose all equipment.

Everyone wants in on this new industry. The lower forty-eight states can at best manage snow drifts. These are being considered as suitable substitutes for icebergs for the Pro-Choice-for-the-Elderly who do not want to leave their home states at the time of earthly departure. But to be pushed off on an iceberg is regarded as a much more humane form of Pro-Choice and is also considered romantic. Alaska is expecting an enormous surge in its economy. Canadians and Russians are aching to get their hands on old Americans and will surely try to compete against Alaska for iceberg business. The American government and Bechtburton, the de-facto owners of the American government, will not offer any contracts to foreign lands, no matter how many thousands of years these Nordic countries have been cheaply and efficiently cleaving icebergs. Greenland, a depressed economic wasteland in its best days, has seen a great surge in the black market arrival of American dollars to their shores as they receive payments for the swift cleaving of bergs from their plethora of glaciers. Due to its Danish territory status, The United States is positioning itself to declare war on Denmark, a state always considered by the accountants of Bechtburton to be a rogue nation.

In addition to Bechtburton, dynamite companies are very much behind this new law as are other explosives giants, though competition could be quashed if Bechtburton receives exclusive rights. The denial of such rights is highly unlikely given Bechtburton’s history of exclusivity in most sectors of world business and further protected by their private army, the United States military.

To encourage citizens with aged parents to do their patriotic duty, the oil industry, always innovative and forward thinking, has promised two thousand dollars worth of gasoline vouchers to the surviving heirs of any American who talks their aged family member into a Pro-Choice-for-the-Elderly death within one year of their seventieth birthday. Limited: One coupon book per family, per death. When pushed for comment with regard to the ethics of such a coupon plan, the CEO of Exxon just gave a plain, folksy shrug as if he did not understand the question, about faced and tripped over some not-yet-buried wire for his alarm system on his sixteen-thousand square foot home. The president, who obviously does not like to think of his fellow citizens heaving themselves into the Atlantic like so many lemmings, felt that there was nothing he could do since both the House and the Senate really really wanted it. Grandchildren across this great nation of ours seem unfazed by this new government development as they look forward to loose cash for hamburgers, new cars, movie admissions and trips abroad to safer, cleaner countries.

Across the food courts of America, middle-aged children of the eligible aged Pro-Choice-for-the-Elderly showed visible signs of relief as they already feel quite burdened by their children, their spouses, their bosses and their maids and look to this development in the government as a sure sign of even greater things to come.
Negative fervor has spread across most of Europe and Canada against the United States for this new euthanasia law, though The Netherlands, ever the most liberal leaning nation, thinks this the first step in the legalization of marijuana in what they still refer to as New Amsterdam. Very Catholic Poland is horrified, however, it has been noted over the past decade that not a few Italians have been busily taking their incontinent mommas to Norway to “see the fjords” upon which the mommas have been said to be “lost during travel.” France has extracted itself from N.A.T.O. again, but no one in Washington has taken care to notice. As one French insider commented last Thursday at the snack-bar in the lower level of the Charles De Gaul Airport in perfect English, “We don’t need a law such as your crass American cash grab. We have cigarettes to kill our old people.” The very aged pontiff, usually against all things humanly deadly, shrugged his shoulders and threw up his hands when being interviewed by Italy’s leading newspaper, Corriere della Sera, with a look of holy resignation as to imply, “The Americans control everything these days. The Vatican is facing their own cuts in Catholic believers and revenue. We can barely afford South America any longer. An iceberg sounds so relaxing right now. ”

In China this came as no surprise and a similar law is being considered, though to ameliorate their even graver financial problems, the law will include anyone over fifty years of age. With relations strained in Russia, China is looking to set up contracts with nations of south Asia where they plan to set up large staging areas along the coasts for aged denizens to await tsunamis. Brazil, with a nod to France, is looking to solve their financial problems due to the aged masses with increased tobacco consumption and has started clearing more acres of pesky rain forest for plantations. The ambassador of India, a devout Hindu, was quoted in front of The United Nations last week, stating, “In India, we do not want people to die so very quickly, they’ll just come back again.”

Mums the word in most Muslim countries as it is a sin for any of the faithful to die on purpose unless Holy Jihad is involved. However, there has been a long tradition of dressing up Grandma like an MTV pop star and placing her in the town square in her halter with visible nipple ring lines. Usually one of the young children of the family also lays down a pile of stones within throwing distance. The rest, as they say, is up to Allah.

A bill to legalize post birth abortions within a ten year time limit for the deformed, mentally handicapped, sexually deviant, the socially inept or ugly, has also been brought to the House’s attention by the Rep-R Dogoody of the great forward thinking large square state of Wyoming. This bill, if passed, will be named after Todd Solondz in an homage to his film Welcome to the Dollhouse. If passed, grandma may not have to float alone on her cruise to the next world. And as most grandchildren traditionally love to travel with grandma, the unwanted grandchildren can be easily coaxed into the journey.

Many remember Nancy Floatilla from Biddeford, Maine who was the first senior citizen who made a public showing of her decision to return her social security check to the government in favor of a nice cool trip across the Atlantic to a peaceful, non-costly death. This inspired the Inuit law and for those who are great supporters, Nancy Floatilla is held in such high esteem as the likes of Rosa Parks and Lizzy Borden. Mrs. Floatilla, a very religious woman with severe New England parsimony, took to the high seas on her frozen boat leaving behind three children and seven grandchildren. A suicide note, sent to her oldest best friend, Gertie Layabout, then living in a nursing home in Bar Harbor stated, “Dying is not so bad. I will get to see my good Lord. And you know how these old bodies get. Whatever hasn’t dried up, is leaking.” The government has decided to retroactively award the family of Nancy Floatilla their share of Mrs. Floatilla’s generosity in honor of her great ingenuity and sacrifice.

Bechtburton could not be reached for comment.

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