Friday, January 30, 2009

Noblesse Oblige: Forgotten

Over eighteen billion bucks in bonuses! Now that’s rich.

I have always felt that if you have a huge job with huge prestige and huge perks, why do you need so much damn money? Isn’t the position enough?

Of course, I’m a peasant and don’t really understand the full-on greed thing.

I guess these guys and gals who have the huge places on earth with huge responsibilities take most of their pleasure from the cash gift-thieving.

Everyone talks about this lack of reasonable self-waging. It’s out of control. We keep hearing it. But why do they feel no shame? And what can we do to stop them? Really?

Do they have any sense of responsibility for the common good? It’s Russia out there, friends. And it’s so fucking tacky.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Is Facebook Killing Blogs?

Forget newspapers,

If everyone is tooling around Facebook, who is reading blogs?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Recession is a Retooling, I REPEAT

I have said it before and I am saying it again because people are flipping out.

The recession is a retooling. Nothing more.

And though we could look backward, (Love to impeach that bastard), or look forward (I’m going to be in so much pain, SOON!), it is essential to remember that right now, it is time to live RIGHT NOW.

Look, so many of us have lived through poorer times. Didn’t so many of you go to college? I don’t know about you, but I remember having to really think about how many quarters I was going to pump into the pinball machine in the lounge. I would go down to Bay Bank and take out twenty dollars, buy a carton of cigarettes and whatever was left, that’s what I spent for the rest of the week…on entertainment, only, but still.

I remember making five bucks an hour.

And, we have all lived with three or four other roommates at some point.

Furthermore, focusing less on material wealth and more on, “Whose turn is it to use the bathroom?” might do a person some good.

Most people do not die during economic downturns like these. Unless they kill themselves. My suggestion: Don’t kill yourself.

Go take a walk. You have legs.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Short Story at 3:11 AM

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

--Courtesy of kivinen1.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Nasty Pendulum

I understand the possible need to nationalize the banks. I certainly agree with changing emissions regulations for car exhaust to the standards set by California, agreed upon by thirteen other states. I completely agree with giving foreign aid to organizations in poor countries who offer information about safe, legal abortion. And for goodness’ sake, I agree it is time to close down the prison at Guantanamo.

But what I wonder is, HOW can it be this simple? How is it that we elect someone and within days, the rules change. Completely. I am ALL FOR THE NEW RULES, let me say this. But what is it about a government system that allows the executive branch to wield so much power? Has it always been this way? Am I seeing a huge pendulum swing from out-of-control-conservative-in-name-only-greed-freaks to intelligent-responsible-repair? Perhaps the swing isn’t so huge? It’s just my perception?

It just seems so huge.

Could it be that we, like chickens, just pick our leader and slide into the pecking order and simply live it? How can the switch be so severe? And if GWB was so wrong, why isn’t our system set up to stop such destructive behavior?

I am thrilled that B.O. can get in there and make all the exact changes I would make. Great. But why does one guy get so much power? Is it our collective dream? Everyone wants such power, so we let one guy have it? I fear for the next GWB type that comes along. I don’t want him to have the ability to answer to “his higher purpose” or whatever the fuck he thought he was doing…and then dole it out followed by us all just eating it.

Art, for the next few years, is going to be mostly sad. We are in mourning.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Time's Up

What, four days now? And nothing’s solved?

Damn, this Barak Obama is slow.

I know he said it wasn’t going to be easy and that it would take some time. But I REALLY thought it was a case of him under promising so he could over perform. I guess I was wrong?

The bottom is getting even bottomyer. The unemployed are running at me IN THE AISLES at Home Depot. (Wasn’t it enough I had to run them over in the parking lot?)
My pets are all dead and he hasn’t brought any of them back to life. My retirement account is good for one free hot dog.

Less and less. Less and less. The clock is ticking.

It would be great if I could still eat. But then again, look at me! I have the body of a poor person: fat! Used to be, if things were tight, people ate less. Not us! We’re all eating like hogs. Or maybe it’s the gallons of wine? We look at our cash-on-hand and all we see is skin.

I want this thing fixed by Monday. I’ve had enough.

And Bush? Dead by Tuesday.

Cheney? Taxidermed by Wednesday.

Condi and Rummy? Starting Thursday, forced to perform in the sauerkraut wrestling side show at all the malls in this country named The Galleria.

And B.O.? Make me green. Make me rich. Make it yesterday.

My patience has worn out. Retribution and prosperity, right now.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Like Something Out of Mame

We need a little Christmas?

Like in the scene from Mame, we fired our maid today. Partially because we no longer need her since all the dirty pets are dead, partially because I will be spending much more time in New York and mostly because we don’t want to spend the money. I hope she does not end up like Agnes Gooch, Mame’s maid, pregnant from a one night stand in Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania.

She has been with us for fourteen years.

We all cried. She knew something was up when she came into the house.

We like her so much. We’ll just have to have her come over and hang out. You think that will happen? Can that happen? Can you just be friends with your former maid?

Here’s Lucille Ball, turning her freshly fired maid into a Christmas tree.

Plus Que Ca Change

My favorite inauguration speech quote:

“The world has changed and we must change with it.”

But what I mostly felt was 1933 and 1960.

1933 for the economy


1960 for a shift in spirit and intellect.

I imagine fat cats from the 1920’s running around, not caring, greedily consuming everything in their paths.

I imagine Black Americans in Newark in the early 1960’s waiting for the great times to come.

Change is cyclical but it is also linear. So yes, the world has changed and WE MUST change with it. It’s all about the effluent and the affluent. We must diminish our pollution, all of it, so living things may grow. We must spread the riches more evenly, so the system can thrive.

The world has changed and we must change with it. The thinking in our country has changed. It is evolution.

Monday, January 19, 2009

A New Era. Finally.

The inauguration of B.O.: A Re-Enlightenment.

What is Science?

President Obama is literate, too.

Welcome to the White House. Please wear Kevlar.

Garage Sale 2009: Televisions with Big Asses

They went for five bucks each. Glad to keep them out of the trash and in a house for a few more years.

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Garbage? Certainly

The vultures came forty-five minutes early.

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From a Distance: The Garage Sale Hits a Lull

This was long after more than half of everything was sold. Wish I had a picture of the start. Couldn't, too busy selling.

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The Last Beast to Leave

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Garage Sale, The Album---in stores Today

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The Ugliest Thing at the Garage Sale Award Goes To:

Margot's plastic sunflowers.

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We made about five-hundred bucks. On garbage. We spent the book sales money on Bloody Marys. Right away. Early morning, as usual, was best. The CD vulture guy was there, like always, before we were half set up. TV's flew off the grass shelves. The old turntable we've been keeping wrapped in a pillow case up in termite dropping land high in the garage, gone. The endless dishes and mismatched glasses and dog gates and boombox and clothing and a dog that dances when you plug your ipod into him and books and CD's (and even some of my mixed tapes from 1993-lesbian couple cooing over the hilarity), the baked goods by Anne, Karen's place mats in brown wonder, Bradford's candlesticks and stylish shoes, Margot's tiny whore house lamps, very smelly soap, canvas, pictures, picture frames, baskets, flower pots, a teddy bear, throw pillows for the common man, a poker table, Adam's Z gallery table lamp attempting an ode to the treble Clef, Sarah's grand dishware, the clock radio, the little toys and sippy straws and pencil sharpeners and umbrellas and pedestal sink and coffee tables and book shelves and nine-ton black office file cabinets and jewelery, the finger eating circular saw, the vases, the rollerblades, the whole mess, almost.

By the end of the day, we were posting on Craig's List and LAFreecycle, "Come and take anything you want for free!" (Thank goodness we did or that huge orange laminate book shelf with the low convenient cabinet might have never left, thankfully hauled off on the roof of a van)---So there we were surrounded by our for-free stuff and the people rummaging through the remains (like anorexic Dark Lady) were being choosy, picking things up and replacing them on the table in revulsion. The quote of the day, from Bradford, which will ring in my ears and make me laugh every day until the next one in 2010: "For years, we have been living with all this stuff we can't even give away at the garage sale."

There may have been one thing more repulsive than Margot's sun flowers. And that was probably the torquoise kidney shaped plastic hospital receptacle that is used to hold small unwanted body parts during a procedure. It was mine. I ended up putting it in the blue recyling can.

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Garage Sale



THIS is the BIGGEST Garage Sale this SIDE of PARIS!


Most CONVENIENT location: Melrose/Highland

PEOPLE WITH GREAT TASTE Offering up their GREAT THINGS for sale.


635 N. Mansfield Avenue Los Angeles CA 90036
Three Blocks East of La Brea, Just South of Melrose

8AM – 3PM
(No Early Vultures. If anyone arrives before 8AM, the security guard will whisk you off to Cudahy)



FURNITURE, Clothing for all sizes and shapes, KITCHEN SUPPLIES, wonderfully working electronics, LAMPS, Books, LARGE OFFICE FILE CABINETS, Pet Supplies, A nearly new PET AIRLINE BAG, Fire Pit, BEAUTIFUL NOTIONS, Jewelry, Vacuum Cleaner, RYOBI Circular Saw used once, WATCHES, Vacuum Cleaner, glasses, SHOES, GAMES, Rollerblades, TELEVISIONS,Book shelves, tape deck, Boom box, a hose, A beautiful coffee Table, Flower pots, PEDESTAL SINK with FIXTURE, CD’s, DVD’s, and so much MORE with BAKED GOODS.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Last Eight Years Have Been the Swedish

As we count the seconds until George Bush moves back to Texas, forever, I would like to take a moment to admit something completely awful.

I had dreams during the eight years of GWB’s reign that I was actually friends with him, that he confided in me, that he saw me as a right wing spy in the left wing camp and in the dreams that’s kind of what I was.

We would go out with the other important people, have pizza, tell jokes. GWB took my opinions very seriously. He would listen to me more than he would listen to almost anyone. He trusted me to be completely honest with him. And I felt proud to know that I was liked by this guy, who I found, honestly, to be kind of fun, grounded and pretty clear headed about what was right and wrong.

I JUST WANTED TO FEEL LIKE I WOULD SURVIVE! And not only survive, but be close to the center of the ultimate power in our culture. And to be liked.

I had, simply, Stockholm Syndrome.

I only had the dream three times. We were like best buddies, joking, Bush et moi. He was my boss, sort of, and I was his smart guy who told him what was what. What a team. He was charming, I was charming, everything was possible. Then I’d wake up. After each time, I would feel disgusted. I wondered, what on earth is wrong with me?

Stockholm Syndrome.

I was identifying with my captor.

These Bush dreams were so different than the dreams I had about Bill Clinton when he was president, but that was back in the day when I still had an outsized libido.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Curious Case of Benjamin Boredom

I knew the slog that it was going to be, but did two-thirds of the movie have to be in sepia tone?

The most exciting thing was watching Brad Pitt grow younger and more beautiful with each grinding hour.

I must say by the end of the movie, when Benjamin becomes a kid and is going to die, I was overcome with great sadness. It is another take on the pondering dolorousness that life is a trajectory toward death and that all things are impermanent and perhaps even fated. But pointed up is that the natural order of aging is actually no so tragic, that enduring the isolation of reverse aging, becoming a confused child and then dying in your old wife’s arms, as another alternative encompasses much greater sadness. So, cheer up, things could be worse. One must live life on its own terms. Maybe not joyously, but certainly without freaking out too much about it.

It was an etude. A forever etude.

The acting was simply fine by everyone. No complaints. The directing, heavy handed.

I always want to think great things about Brad Pitt. First of all, I have written checks for him through a Japanese commercial company I work for and so I have this one degree of separation thing going on, though I have never met him, and so feel like we’re “Working in the same office”. Secondly, he really spends enormous amounts of money to help other people. And lastly, I have about eight pairs of his leftover Edwin jeans from a commercial shoot and I am very grateful to own such fancy pants. So a soft spot to the Pittster is in me.

But this movie--It was like watching paint dry.

No, it was like watching dry paint slowly get wetter and wetter.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Circus in Town?

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Cristo installation?

No! We're murdering termites!

It's a pleasure to listen to them squeal.

Nasty munchers.

Monday, January 12, 2009

A Paper Free Life

It can be done and I know we are not the first.

Our goal is to achieve an empty mailbox.

A year ago, we read about the website We signed up and stopped all the unwanted catalogues from entering our lives. It takes some doing. I have blogged about it before. Basically, you collect your catalogues that are streaming, unwanted, into your life and you go to this web site and put in your exact name as it appears on the catalogue, which catalogue it is, and click BYE-BYE!

We now only get about two catalogues, the ones we want.

Please do it. It’s not too hard. Just collect those catalogues and put them in a pile—and one relaxing day, jump online and KILL THOSE PUPPIES!

Cancel your newspaper subscription and read the New York Times online.

Next, and it costs a bit but is worth it, you can sign up for electronic payments for all your bills. It costs 9.95 per month at Wells Fargo, truly more expensive than checkbooks and stamps, but worth it. Pay all your bills online and opt for Ebills for any vendor they have listed.

Log onto your phone bills and internet bills and choose the paperless option.

You can get all your credit card statements and bank statements online. Just go to the websites of your bank and your credit cards. It takes just a minute. Sign in and opt out of paper statements. You will receive statements by email.

Almost all corporations have this option. It saves them money so they make it pretty easy for you to do.

Make your email inbox your mailbox. Make a folder called “Bills” or “Accounting” or “Money” or whatever and as the emails come in, just throw them into the folder. And instead of that weekly or biweekly or monthly stack of mess you usually have laying about the house that you have to attend to, just go to your Money folder and pay those things, reconcile those things, get that stuff done. WITHOUT KILLING ONE SINGLE OXYGEN GIVING TREE!

Then, just save these digital bills and statements in a folder for the year. And file. Done. No bulky paper all over your house and no paper production waste in your streams.

Come on. You know you want to. Obama Commands It!

Happy new epoch, everyone. Get online with the big green retooling.

Another way to help out the earth: Tell your boss you are working from home one day each week. If everyone does this, it would unclog the streets by 20%! Decrease automobile effluent by 20%! This is huge. Try it. And if your boss balks, then offer to work only four days each week for only four day’s pay. Could keep unemployment down.

And on your first four day week, with your extra free day, do something completely enjoyable.

The second week on your day off, KILL ALL THAT PAPER!

You know you want to.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Wet Wood

Watering your lawn is so stupid. You just have to get plants that thrive in whatever climate you are living, with no extra water. It just doesn’t make sense.

Plus, if you live in a climate that doesn’t freeze, you get pools of water from the sprinklers and if those sprinklers are anywhere near your garage building, you end up with wet wood and if that wet wood is on a slab of cement and not raised, you get termites.

Billions of them.

And then you have to tent the building. Spend 1400 bucks. So, you spent all that money watering all that environment so you could grow termites and then you have to spend money to get rid of them.

What am I? A termite farmer?

Basta with the irrigation.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Keep the Evil Off Your Box

Corporations do not have the money in their budgets to worry too much about your safety right now. (OY! The cross continental flights.)

But what gets me most is the computer stuff. I actually do like Internet Explorer and even though this is the most vulnerable browser on earth, I want to keep using it.

But strange back door things can do what strange back door things do—which is poke around in your junk and find your passwords, etc.

So do this one thing---all the time, whenever you can. After you are done browsing around (and especially after you have gone to your banking or credit card sites), go to Tools>Internet Options>Browsing History>Delete>Delete all.

This kills all cookies, all history, all form data and all passwords. All the time.

This simple action, taken after a heavy period of surfing will delete the spies, will keep your wife from knowing what porn sites you go to and most importantly removes all your stored personal information and passwords. Keep your browser clean and empty.

Also, for 2009: Have you backed up this year’s pictures onto disks?

And your files, all your files, are they backed up to an external hard drive? Please do it, today.

Happy, healthy computer days to all. And a brilliant, bold, well supported and donkey kicking 2009 to everyone.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

As Gregory Corso Said

“Out the Window with the Window!”

We are having a garage sale on January 17. We scan the premises, gather things into piles and scurry them out to the shelves, tables and drawers in the garage.

There is a huge amount of junk laying around the property. We do what we can to keep the garbage down over the years, but it does collect.

Witness: a teddy bear, books, CD’s, shelves, a dorm fridge, two pairs of rollerblades, cups, baskets on end, a television, a boom box, a tape deck, tons of canvasses, framed prints, pet-phenalia including a dog carrier, pet bowls, leash, collar, shampoo, door gates, bowls, clippers, clothes, shoes, sparkles, party poppers, a plastic yellow egg, a glass bird, a big clay bird, a coffee press, silverware, an ashtray, linens, a pillow, shelves, tennis rackets, Trivial Pursuit, Clue, a circular saw, lawn furniture, 11-cup Cuisinart food processor, sunglasses, old cassettes, alarm clock radio, a couple of land telephones, a Styrofoam cooler and so much more to collect.

It’s ridiculous. How did we end up with all this stuff?

Much of it we bought. And much of it was from well meaning gift givers over the years.

It’s a party. Nice to lighten the load. I suggest it.

The Whole Mess ... Almost


I ran up six flights of stairs
to my small furnished room
opened the window
and began throwing out
those things most important in life

First to go, Truth, squealing like a fink:
“Don’t! I’ll tell awful things about you!”
“Oh yeah? Well, I’ve nothing to hide ... OUT!”
Then went God, glowering & whimpering in amazement:
“It’s not my fault! I’m not the cause of it all!” “OUT!”
Then Love, cooing bribes: “You’ll never know impotency!
All the girls on Vogue covers, all yours!”
I pushed her fat ass out and screamed:
“You always end up a bummer!”
I picked up Faith Hope Charity
all three clinging together:
“Without us you’ll surely die!”
“With you I’m going nuts! Goodbye!”

Then Beauty ... ah, Beauty—
As I led her to the window
I told her: “You I loved best in life
... but you’re a killer; Beauty kills!”
Not really meaning to drop her
I immediately ran downstairs
getting there just in time to catch her
“You saved me!” she cried
I put her down and told her: “Move on.”

Went back up those six flights
went to the money
there was no money to throw out.
The only thing left in the room was Death
hiding beneath the kitchen sink:
“I’m not real!” It cried
“I’m just a rumor spread by life ... ”
Laughing I threw it out, kitchen sink and all
and suddenly realized Humor
was all that was left—
All I could do with Humor was to say:
“Out the window with the window!”

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Corio's This is Burlesque

Next time you are planning a trip to Soho, make plans to see Corio’s This is Burlesque.

I had never seen a Burlesque show before. A friend of mine had always wanted to go and I’m certainly game…so on Saturday night we walked over (with prepurchased seats, very important. It does get sold out).

It was hilarious. And extremely well done. First of all, these women really are dancers. The near nudity at the end of each number is really no big deal. In fact, the whole thing seemed more innocent than most commercial movies. Some of it was absolutely hilarious. There was a fan dance number with a lot of contortions by the dancer, while being supported by a man in a monkey outfit, the “Evil hate monkey.” The strength of the monkey and the supple moves of the fan dancer made me just as proud of our species as witnessing any Olympic event.

There was tap dancing.

Joyful tap dancing.

In general, a great celebration of glittery outfits and the complete fun fun fun of being almost naked dancing around the stage, with a theme. I am sure it was titillating for some. But for me it was mostly fun, affirming and let’s face it, recession proof.

I also liked how it came off with just seven performers, had a low vibe lesbian tone and remained light hearted throughout.

Check it out. 25 bucks with a two drink minimum. You can also have dinner there. The food looked good.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Welcome Back Muffin Tops!

Just call me Shamu?

Anyone else besides me bigger than a heifer?

How many roasts did YOU eat?

It’s disgusting. I have to say, my favorite of all was a boiled ham we had up in the Berkshires. It was so tender and smoky.

We have been on the east coast for a couple of weeks, driving to ancient states like New Jersey and Maryland and Massachusetts. Say what you want about this dirty ol’ industrial corner of the U.S., it certainly has a lot of variety. No, it isn’t like driving through France, Switzerland and Austria in one day, but it does have a bit of that feel going on.

All the old bricks.

And it is cold. Sure.

But the visual cortex gets a workout here as you poke around. Which is stimulating. Now…time to drop the tonnage so I can keep moving.